So, i just wanted to write this down to remember it- when i have made decisions in the past and particularly in the most recent significant decision I made, I WILL recieve an assured feeling within me that it is right, whatever i've decided. And if its not right I will either feel like its not right (which is an easy to decipher feeling) or I will not feel good but not feel bad at the same time. When I was trying to discover if going on a mission was the best thing for me, I was reasoning, weighing all the options, thinking of what is most righteous, what my parents want, but mostly what heavenly father wants. I prayed hard ad long about it to know. After I had decided to go on a mission (after reasoning that that was what I should do), I didn't get any real affirmation from heavenly father within me that felt like it was truely and completely right. But I didn't have a distinct feeling that it was wrong. So, I think for me, apathy is the same as wrong when it comes to feeling certain ways about decisions in life. When I decided to not move to Texas with the fam and stay in California to graduate, it just felt right and I knew it was. And it for sure WAS. When I came to BYU, I for sure felt like this was the right place for me to be. But when i started planning on a mission, I never got that feeling, even after a long time of trying to earn that assurance. So, a little while after I had decided to go on a mission, I was looking at some honeymoon/vacation spot videos. And for some reason, my heart has always been with the tropics. When I was a little girl, I listened to tropical music, wore tropical clothes, decorated my room tropically, cut out pictures from magazines of tropical places, drew tropical/jungley pictures, and memorized ancient Hawaiian marriage poems (which i still remember). So as I was watching these videos, for some reason that just felt like home, and was reminded of my dreams-what i want out of life. The night before I had had a conversation with Melody and she said some things that I think i really needed to hear. She said marriage is great and it will happen when it happens, but don't put your life on hold for a guy-do things you want to do and have your own goals and dreams to accomplish for yourself. That hit home, I remembered I could do whatever I wanted to. I didn't have to do what was popular and what "made sense" to the rest of the world. To me, interestingly, going on a mission was more of a something that "made sense" than somethings I had aspired to do. I never had that burning desire to go on a mission like some girls do. My roommate Annalee has always wanted to go on a mission and when we were roommates our sophomore year she was so passionate about it and I remember talking to her about it sometimes and she would as me if I wanted to go on a mission and I would shrug my shoulders and say, "hu not really." At that point in life, I figured I'd probably be married, so I wouldn't even be given the choice to. But then when I became 21 I realized i could go on a mission and people would say, o you should! so i sort of worked toward that and entertained that idea for a while, but most of it was because i "had nothing else to do". One of my friends asked me this when i told him I'm going on a mission, he asked me, do you want to go because you really want to or just because you don't have any other obligations (or somethings like that). And i felt guilty after he asked me that because I didn't actually have that burning desire to. Now, of course I wanted to cuz that would be an awesome experience and I still think it would, But for me specifically, given who I am and the goals I have had in my life, i didn't have a burning desire to. SO, anyway, I realized while watching those videos, that I should follow my dreams and get a solid, awesome job that makes a lot of money for the amount of time I work, and one that is secure and challenging and interesting and uses my smarts and talents. And i just suddenly and randomly (but not randomly because i believe it was the spirit putting it in my mind) realized I wanted to be a nurse. So that second I went strait to google accelerated nursing programs that I could apply for and for the rest of the day, researched what I would need to do to apply. I was suddenly so motivated and passionate about something, which hasn't happened to me in a while. I am still in the process of applying to different programs. I am also considering physical therapy programs too, but those I'd need a lot more preparation to be able to be accepted. I could more likely get my nursing degree then apply to physical therapy schools, but the details like that are uncertain. All i know is that i am meant to go on with my education, which my patriarcle blessing has always said, and I have always wondered what that meant for me, and its always been in the back of my mind but I have not been filled with the passion for any specific education after college...until now. I am so glad for personal revelation, because it happens in my life. Especially for life-changing decisions, like this one. But it also happens just day to day, maybe in moments I don't even realize. And its true that my siblings words will always be good for me. always :) I am thankful my heavenly father knows me and takes care of me the way i need to be. Its great.
So now I'm just working on my future-what I want. I want to live my life and love my family and friends and make new experiences. I want to travel, I want to go to hawaii, tahiti, bahamas, a cruise. I want to make a good living. If I am being lazy and not earning as much as I could, then I am less able to serve the world. I remember when I got a job last semester I realized that I was not as able to serve when I didn't have a job, because the unemployed me needed to receive more than she could give. And she couldn't give, because she didn't have much to give-no money equals no tithing, no gas money help, no gifts to give or food to give or things to give, because I was mooching off of what others gave me. I was taking more than I was giving. It truly is important to be self-reliant economically just as much as it is to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. So one of my goals is to be economically self-reliant to where I can have the things that I will need, and to also be able to GIVE. Having a job now, I can see how I am a different person-I'm less of a moocher (nobody likes when people mooch off of them), and I am just more independent and confident in economical situations. It will be difficult in the future though again, because i will not be working for the next two semesters and then I will be doing school again which quickly sucks up the money, but for every dollar i put into education i figure I'm multiplying it by 10. And then I'll eventually have a stable career and not have to worry too much about money. Education is the best investment. I just feel so good to have a plan and know where I'm going in life. I am my own person, growing and learning and trying to become a better person every day. And I am excited about the future.
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