5.28.10. Conference Talks and Marriage Dreams

Today I decided to ponder on conference talks. I read the talk, All Thins Work Together for Good, by James B. Martino. I like how he emphasizes the fact that trials can be for our benefit and learning if we deal with them well by serving others. And he starts with a story of a little boy who got sad because he didn't hit the ball even though he was so determined to, but then he cheered up and said, "what a pitcher!" Which is an example of looking on the bright side of everything. There is a silver lining of every cloud. The glass is either half full or half empty. There is a downhill to every uphill.

Gregory A. Schwitzer: Developing Good Judgment and Not Judging Others. This is a good topic because there are always such lengthy controversial conversations about this "don't judge, but judge righteously" concept. Don't apply worldly judgment to a spiritual decision. "No one can ever be a good judge without the gospel of Jesus Christ as a reference." "The standards of morality are eternal and have not changed; neither should we try to discover a new interpretation of them." Apply the For the Strength of the Youth to your adult life!
The Holy Ghost, "He will help us in the most important judgments of our lives." To me, this means marriage. Right now I am stuck on marriage, really its more of a fear than anything. I am afraid of marrying the wrong person, of not ever meeting the right person, of marrying when I am older and therefore less picky, so I naturally settle for anything male that moves. But I think in an interesting twist, I get pickier and pickier as I get older. I know I am a lot pickier than I was a few years ago because I have dated more people, seen more qualities that I do and Do NOT like. Also, I am afraid I am looking for an impossibly perfect-for-me person. I am afraid I am selfish in my desires to be married. I fear I am not prepared for the selflessness and imperfection of marriage. I have a lot of anxiety about not having a good marriage. Because in my mind, it is the most impacting factor for the rest of my life's happiness. Think about it, my job is my job, you go to work, put up with it to make money, then you come home. I could have a crappy job then come home and if my husband is everything I ever want him to be and he makes me happy, then life would be good, no matter if my house if pretty or my car is nice or my clothes are nice, or my job is great. For me, what will be the determining factor of my eternal happiness is who i marry. It's just HUGE!!! It is a HUGE decision. How can I ever just make that decision without being 100% confident that with him, I will have complete happiness and that he is all I ever wanted and will provide for me and love me so much??!!?? How do people do this marriage thing. It's crazy! For me, I won't marry unless I am crazy about the person and can't live without him. It might be for this reason that I have so many nightmare marriage dreams. I had one last night even:
So there I was, back with an ex-boyfriend somehow (i guess we had worked things out). I guess I had settled cuz I hadn't found anyone better. We were hugging a lot and looking lovingly into eachother's eyes. He was so happy! I was pretty happy. We were in some house or something and the family and friends were all around getting things set up. I think it was the day before the wedding. Heather and Mom were getting all the flower arrangements worked out and the flowers were beautiful! and the house the reception was gonna be in was beautiful and everyone was happy, doing wedding stuff and looking at me in a "o I'm so happy for you, you're in-love" look (a look I am used to from so many sibling weddings). So I remember hugging Justin in a downstairs room where right outside all the wedding commotion was going on. I remember coming out and seeing mom, catching her face smiling a big smile at me. I smiled back, but had a little bit of restraint in my joy because in the back of my mind, deep down, I really wasn't sure I was making the right decision. Mom might have noticed, but she carried on talking with heather about the flowers. I stood there, among all my family and wedding plans and wedding flowers and the wedding was already a set deal and it was tommorrow! I couldn't back down now! But in my gut I couldn't continue on no matter how terrible it would be to face the disappointment of my family members and especially my mom. She would be so upset that I had made such a mess and gone through with marrying him, but then backed out and wasted tons of money and time and emotions. I knew the consequence of backing out now would be terrifying, but the consequences of going trough with the marriage would be even worse, so I got Mom's attention again. "Mom..." I said in a tone she probably could recognize as not a good sign. She turned to me as though she knew what I was going to say only by the tone in my voice before I even said what I was going to say. Her look of "you better not cancel this wedding young lady" made me feel sick, but I said, "I'm not going to marry him," in a quiet yet sure voice filled with regret. Mom was holding flowers in her hands and they dropped heavily to her sides as her expression turned to one of great disappointment. She sighed her sigh of frustration. Heather who had overheard from behind her back, turned slightly in a wondering expression and the atmosphere turned silent and intense at the same time. While Mom was mad, she knew there was nothing she or I could do to make me want to marry him. So as much as she wanted to make me marry him, she knew she couldn't. Because if someone doesn't want to marry someone, that is just not something you can talk someone into. Mom spoke up, "What am is supposed to do with all this," as she looked around at the beautiful flower arrangements and the wedding decorations, and bridesmaids dresses laid out on the couch, and friends and family all in town. What a mess. I just stood there humbly, and mom said, "alright," with that same Mom sigh. She turned and her and heather talked and dealt with the flowers. After I had told Mom, I knew the next worse part was inevitable and I headed into the bedroom to confront the almost- groom. The door was open, and I had walked in wondering if he had heard my conversation with my mom, so he was facing the opposite way; but when I walked in he turned and by the look on his face I knew he had heard. He was so sad looking and I felt terrible. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I just came up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back, but in the way you would hug a stranger. He was mad, mom was mad, its a terrible feeling. And the thing about dreams which is weird is sometimes they feel so real. You can remember that feeling when you wake up. So in a way, I already know what that feeling is like. It sucks.
Dreams.
I have had at least two other marriage dreams that i can remember. Who knows how many I have had, but just don't remember. And this has been only within the past like two or three years, since I have become eligible for marriage and it has been relevant to my life.
One of the dreams, I married a boy from my seminary class, who is so NOT my type-he is super shy, weird, big and tall and awkward and not athletic and stiff and not fun and rude and annoying (sorry thats just my highschool years impression). And so i was in an ugly wedding dress standing in a cramped, boring ward church room with the blue floor and beige tables set out and the typical saugus second ward and saugus third ward families talking and laughing and just enjoying themselves and clearly way happier than ME on my wedding day! Everyone was so happy for Mr. Groom and I, but like, he and I were about as in love with each other as a lamp and a piece of bread...we weren't holding hands or even talking. That's basically all I remember of that dream.

Another dream was I was getting married to Kevin Sheffield, which is a joke because he and brenna dated in High school then broke up then were best friends then were together, then he went on him mission and now she is married to someone else. So kevin is just a friend from high school and not a romantic figure in my life for sure. But i was in a wedding dress and he was in a tux and we were standing in a room about to be announced as newly weds at the reception in front of everybody, we had just come from the temple and I remember the DJ was introducing us, we were standing behind doors with Kevin's Dad and my Mom and a few other wedding party members. kevin and I were standing side by side. Mom and Kevin's Dad were laughing and having a jolly time about something. But I was thinking, what have I done? I don't want to be married to Kevin (but I love ya Kev, just not like that)! O no! Now we have already been sealed in the temple, Shoot, what is the process to get a divorce after you've been sealed in the temple? I turned to Mom, and said privately to her, "Mom, I don't want to be married to Kevin." She got so so mad and said, "Serena I can't believe this." But the doors were opening and Kevin and I were pushed along to the reception site, which was disgusting. It was in some recreational building and everyone was sitting on picnic tables that were covered with cheap plastic multi-colored table cloths, there were balloons, and that's basically it for decorations. I remember thinking it looked so ugly. But we walked on down the little isle as everyone clapped for us with big smiles. Everyone was so happy for us. I remember seeing Sister Harding's face so radiant. I remember seeing Brenna and Norris;s happy faces. I remember thinking, why is everyone happy for us? This is not a happy couple. And that's all i remember of that dream.
Dreams are funny. But I wonder what these dreams mean for me. Am I doomed for an unhappy marriage? Clearly, I have anxiety about that. But, I think the dreams are getting better. Because first I was married and didn't tell anyone I was unhappy or do anything about it. Then I was unhappy and realized I needed to divorce. Then, I canceled before getting married. That's progression right? Maybe soon I'll have a dream where I am married and WANT to be and its a good happy feeling. We shall see. Only night can tell...
Dreams.

5.27.10. 3 Nephi 15

v.9. "Behold, I am the law, and the light."

5.26.10. 3 Nehpi 14.

v.11. If we are evil and know how to give good gifts, then think of how many good gifts heavenly Father can give us. And all we have to do is ask?
v.12. Do to others what you would want them to do to you--its a law "and the prophets" ( i don't understand what it means by it is the prophets). Maybe prophets do to others as they would have done to them.
v.13. "Enter ye in at the strait gate;" The easy path is wide and broad and many go that way. I think i sometimes am skipping from one path to another, because sometimes i like what the majority are doing and i want to be cool and popular rather than righteous.
v.16."Ye shall know them by their fruits."
v.18. "A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit." and if you're a tree that brings forth bad fruit, you will be cute down, cuz there is no use for you. What does it mean to bring forth good fruit? I think it means selfless service, being rich in scripture knowledge, having faith, meaningful prayer, a sincere heart, a pure heart, refraining from sin to the best of your ability.
v.23. " I never knew you; depart from me, ye that work iniquity." So how Christ "knows" us is if we bring forth good fruit and do the will of the Father. We can pray to him, cry to him, read the scriptures, but still he won't know us at the last day. You must DO the will of the Father. How do i know what the will of the father is? By living close to the spirit, which means going to the temple regularly, scripture study, obeying commandments going to church, magnifying calling, etc.
v.24. If we hear the things God commands us and DO them, we are like a wise man who builds upon a ROCK, where rain and storm cannot bring down the house. But there are many who build a house on sand (money, clothes, gossip, hatred, monetary gain, pride, self-glory, fame, etc.) and when a storm comes, BYE BYE! they will have their house washed away like toothpicks. And they will be lift homeless and saddened and all that they gloried in before will be of no worth, they cannot save them.

5.24.10. 3 Nephi 13

v. 25. Lately I have been really into THINGS, like clothes and stuff, like fashion. Which is unusual for me. I think it is because I am not busy in school and sports and I have money to buy such things. However, I am glad I did not go on the shopping spree I was planning on because I realize clothing is not important. As Christ says, "take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on." That last phrase says to me that I shouldn't be so concerned with what I put on. The fowls of the air are taken care of, so how come i wouldn't be taken care of? I think we are to self-reliant sometimes and not enough reliant on Heavenly Father. I don't have enough faith that he will sustain me.
v.30. "even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."
v.33. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."- 3 nephi 13:33
Its interesting, if we seek first the kingdom of God, then our clothes, food, shelter, shall all be given to us. I think i tend to think the reverse way, that i must take care of food, clothing, shelter, and then seek the kingdom of God. But we should seek the kingdom of God above all else. Which means going to the temple no matter what every week, reading scriptures BEFORE breakfast, serving others before dinner, paying tithing BEFORE shopping. Because that is sacrificing and how else can we achieve the kingdom of God without sacrificing. We are to emulate Jesus Christ and he is basically in one word sacrifice. So we most definitely need to learn how to sacrifice if we are to be like him.
3 Nephi 14

Judge not that ye be not judged because you will be judged with the same judgment that you judge others with. "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" So first take car eof the mote that is in thy own eye, and once you have done that, then you have credit to help your brother with th emote that is in his eye. HOwever, i don't think we will ever have eyes to see clearly enough because there will always be a mote in our eyes because we will always be flawed. So basically NEVER consider the mote in others' eyes.
v.6. "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs." So basically, there are sometimes things you need to keep to yourself that are sacred. Don't give your kisses out like pretzels, don't bear your testimony at a dance party on the top of your lungs. Don't give the Book of Mormon to someone who will not appreciate it. Sometimes your personal revelation is not to be known to others. Or, like Joseph Smith had to do, keep the gold plates from greedy men who would use it for money.
v.7. "Ask and it shall be given unto you;" Is this really true though? Because sometimes God doesn't give us what we ask for. So ask is correlated with initiative which is correlated with being willing to do things and not being constrained. 1 Cor. 9:17 "if I do this thing willingly, I have a reward." But if we don't do things willingly we don't have a reward. I think this phrase, ask and receive, is more of a take initiative and be willing, then you will receive reward. D&C 123:17 "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power."
D&C 58:26 "he that is compelled in all things...is not a wise servant."

Which is so true. I am going to try to do things more willingly and with a cheerful spirit, as if I wan to do it above all other things. For example, when going to the temple this week, I will be cheerful about it. And doing the dishes should be done willingly, or else i have no reward. Its like means. What is your motive behind what you do? What are my motives? Why do I do what I do?