"the Word is Commitment" by Marvin J. Ashton

1. "Be something, Abe"
2. We should be anxiously engaged in a good cause and DO many good things of their own free will and bring to pass much righteousness.
3. He who does not do anything until he is commanded the same is damned.
4. In setting our own goals we need to consider our own needs and abilities.

• What are my own needs and abilities: 1. good ability to say no and stay away and feel good about it 2. i need rewards frequently 3. I need to feel good about myself and that i am accomplishing my goals. 4. I need to feel like I am not being too harsh on myself nor living too rigidly and unrelaxedly. 5. I need to feel like I am a free spirit and do what I want to

1. "The direction in which we are moving is more important than where we are at the moment."
2. Don't blame your failures on other people or external sources.
3. is it I? Am I sufficiently committed to righteous goals?
4. William Clement Stone, a Chicago millionaire, in an interview said, “Only if you have drive, the push, ‘the want to’ will you succeed in any field.”
5. Why do we do the things we do? Positive motivation is the best. Being fully committed to the gospel bring joy, satisfaction and the abundant life.
6. Dale Carnegie once said if you are not going in the direction of becoming the person you want to be, then you are in the direction of becoming the person you do not want to be.
7. Realize that God will judge you based on your use of all your possibilities.
8. Making the decision or declaration of a goal, does not constitute your success or commitment to it and does not make you committed to it.
9. Once you become wholly committed to something, you will find help from sources you never even knew existed. The Lord says that he does not give any one a commandment except he prepares a way for them to accomplish it.
10. Ashton relates a story about a five year old boy who fell out of his bed at night and came running to his mom's bedside and when she asked him why he fell out, he responded, "Because I wasn't in far enough." We can see a similar pattern in people who fall out of commitments, like the gospel. It is because they were not in far enough.
11. What makes the difference between those who are committed and uncommitted is the words want and will. "I want to be a good student but I want to have fun too." " I will be a good student." "I want to have a successful career but I have really bad grades." "I will have a successful career."
12. From this talk, I learned that I need to be more committed by thinking "I will" rather than "I want". I am also reminded of the quote from Inception, when a character remarks, "You musn't be afraid to dream bigger, love." If I am not "in far enough" in my endeavors (which should be good causes), then i make it easier for myself to fall out. Also, if I am not on the path that is leading to being the person I want to become, then I am going in the direction of becoming the person I do not want to become. We must set small, obtainable goals every day that will help us master the art of goal reaching and then that will help us in accomplishing the bigger goals. I should try to use "want" less and replace it with "will". I am going to try to recognize throughout the day where I say i want to when i should say i will. I know goal setting is a righteous endeavor and actually crucial to our eternal salvation. If we cannot accomplish goals, we cannot return to our heavenly father.

Faith in Jesus Christ, by Elder Pearson

1. If we want more faith, we must be more obedient.
2. Do not be casual or situational in obeying God's commandments.
3. Faith requires exact obedience in even the small simple things.
4. Desire, hope, and belief are forms of faith but faith as a principle of power comes from consistent behavior and attitudes.
5. You can have spiritual power with faith.
6. The eye of faith: ability to focus and be steadfast, nothing wavering, holding fast to gospel principles.
7. However, there is opposition in all things. Because we can act for ourselves and must be enticed by one other the other (decisions).
8. If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believe th. Faith and fear cannot co-exist.
9. Faith as a grain of a mustard seed.
10. Net faith= faith - doubt - fear - disbelief
11. doubt leads to discouragement and greater difficulty following the spirit.
12. Distraction eliminates the focus the eye of faith requires. It also leads to a lack of diligence. Disappointment does not have to lead to doubt or distraction.
13. Disbelief is choosing to harden one's heart and be past feeling.
14. God lives and loves each of us his children. Jesus Christ is our savior and redeemer. He lives. And becuase of that there is always hope smiling brightly before us.
15. Choose to live by faith and not fear!
16. AMEN!

My Love Metaphore

I made this post a while ago-actually it was probably one year ago give and take a few weeks. But my blog that i posted it on got destroyed and doesn't exist anymore. Then I realized i lost that post and I hadn't written the thoughts in my journal as thourough. So i am going to write the post again. The post was about love, romance, dating...I had an epiphany one day driving in my car. That car's CD player did not work, so my only mode of music was the radio. So, as i started out my drive to work or wherever I was going (which was usually at least a 20 minute drive, as is in Texas) I would turn on the radio and see what was playing on the radio. Sometimes what was playing was just ok-not my favorite or anything, but better than not listening to anything, so i'd keep it just because. And sometimes I would flip and flip and flip through the channels just to see what else was out there before I settled for the one I was gonna listen to which was ok but not the best. Then sometimes there would be absolutely nothing that satisfied me on the radio, so I would turn it off and just hum my own tune or just listen to the wind in my hair. But then there were those happy, sporadic moments when I would turn on the radio and hear my favorite song playing and I knew that this was the only song in the whole world that I wanted to be listening to and I wouldn't even check to see what else was playing, because THIS was it-this was my song. I related this to how my dating life is. Sometimes I am dating a guy just because I don't want to be alone but he is not the best, and then there are times when I would rather just not be dating anyone because I'd rather just be by myself doing my own thing. Then there are times when I might find a guy that is good, but I still feel the need to flip through the other channels of the dating scene to see if there was anything better. But someday-someday! I will stumble upon that one song that beats with my heart, or that one man who is in sync with me, who when I stumble upon him, I will not want to look anywhere else to see if there is anyone better out there, because I'll know there's just not. There's nothing better out there when Mr. Right is right here, in my arms. And I'll know he's Mr. Right when I know I don't want to look anywhere else because he is my ultimate favorite. Don't settle for mac and cheese when lasagna is in the oven!

Decisions. 8.4.10.

So, i just wanted to write this down to remember it- when i have made decisions in the past and particularly in the most recent significant decision I made, I WILL recieve an assured feeling within me that it is right, whatever i've decided. And if its not right I will either feel like its not right (which is an easy to decipher feeling) or I will not feel good but not feel bad at the same time. When I was trying to discover if going on a mission was the best thing for me, I was reasoning, weighing all the options, thinking of what is most righteous, what my parents want, but mostly what heavenly father wants. I prayed hard ad long about it to know. After I had decided to go on a mission (after reasoning that that was what I should do), I didn't get any real affirmation from heavenly father within me that felt like it was truely and completely right. But I didn't have a distinct feeling that it was wrong. So, I think for me, apathy is the same as wrong when it comes to feeling certain ways about decisions in life. When I decided to not move to Texas with the fam and stay in California to graduate, it just felt right and I knew it was. And it for sure WAS. When I came to BYU, I for sure felt like this was the right place for me to be. But when i started planning on a mission, I never got that feeling, even after a long time of trying to earn that assurance. So, a little while after I had decided to go on a mission, I was looking at some honeymoon/vacation spot videos. And for some reason, my heart has always been with the tropics. When I was a little girl, I listened to tropical music, wore tropical clothes, decorated my room tropically, cut out pictures from magazines of tropical places, drew tropical/jungley pictures, and memorized ancient Hawaiian marriage poems (which i still remember). So as I was watching these videos, for some reason that just felt like home, and was reminded of my dreams-what i want out of life. The night before I had had a conversation with Melody and she said some things that I think i really needed to hear. She said marriage is great and it will happen when it happens, but don't put your life on hold for a guy-do things you want to do and have your own goals and dreams to accomplish for yourself. That hit home, I remembered I could do whatever I wanted to. I didn't have to do what was popular and what "made sense" to the rest of the world. To me, interestingly, going on a mission was more of a something that "made sense" than somethings I had aspired to do. I never had that burning desire to go on a mission like some girls do. My roommate Annalee has always wanted to go on a mission and when we were roommates our sophomore year she was so passionate about it and I remember talking to her about it sometimes and she would as me if I wanted to go on a mission and I would shrug my shoulders and say, "hu not really." At that point in life, I figured I'd probably be married, so I wouldn't even be given the choice to. But then when I became 21 I realized i could go on a mission and people would say, o you should! so i sort of worked toward that and entertained that idea for a while, but most of it was because i "had nothing else to do". One of my friends asked me this when i told him I'm going on a mission, he asked me, do you want to go because you really want to or just because you don't have any other obligations (or somethings like that). And i felt guilty after he asked me that because I didn't actually have that burning desire to. Now, of course I wanted to cuz that would be an awesome experience and I still think it would, But for me specifically, given who I am and the goals I have had in my life, i didn't have a burning desire to. SO, anyway, I realized while watching those videos, that I should follow my dreams and get a solid, awesome job that makes a lot of money for the amount of time I work, and one that is secure and challenging and interesting and uses my smarts and talents. And i just suddenly and randomly (but not randomly because i believe it was the spirit putting it in my mind) realized I wanted to be a nurse. So that second I went strait to google accelerated nursing programs that I could apply for and for the rest of the day, researched what I would need to do to apply. I was suddenly so motivated and passionate about something, which hasn't happened to me in a while. I am still in the process of applying to different programs. I am also considering physical therapy programs too, but those I'd need a lot more preparation to be able to be accepted. I could more likely get my nursing degree then apply to physical therapy schools, but the details like that are uncertain. All i know is that i am meant to go on with my education, which my patriarcle blessing has always said, and I have always wondered what that meant for me, and its always been in the back of my mind but I have not been filled with the passion for any specific education after college...until now. I am so glad for personal revelation, because it happens in my life. Especially for life-changing decisions, like this one. But it also happens just day to day, maybe in moments I don't even realize. And its true that my siblings words will always be good for me. always :) I am thankful my heavenly father knows me and takes care of me the way i need to be. Its great.

So now I'm just working on my future-what I want. I want to live my life and love my family and friends and make new experiences. I want to travel, I want to go to hawaii, tahiti, bahamas, a cruise. I want to make a good living. If I am being lazy and not earning as much as I could, then I am less able to serve the world. I remember when I got a job last semester I realized that I was not as able to serve when I didn't have a job, because the unemployed me needed to receive more than she could give. And she couldn't give, because she didn't have much to give-no money equals no tithing, no gas money help, no gifts to give or food to give or things to give, because I was mooching off of what others gave me. I was taking more than I was giving. It truly is important to be self-reliant economically just as much as it is to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. So one of my goals is to be economically self-reliant to where I can have the things that I will need, and to also be able to GIVE. Having a job now, I can see how I am a different person-I'm less of a moocher (nobody likes when people mooch off of them), and I am just more independent and confident in economical situations. It will be difficult in the future though again, because i will not be working for the next two semesters and then I will be doing school again which quickly sucks up the money, but for every dollar i put into education i figure I'm multiplying it by 10. And then I'll eventually have a stable career and not have to worry too much about money. Education is the best investment. I just feel so good to have a plan and know where I'm going in life. I am my own person, growing and learning and trying to become a better person every day. And I am excited about the future.

Happiness.

So. I realized somethings recently-I had been really rude to my roommate. She is not an easy to like girl for me. And so, it requires so much effort to make positive connections with her. But we are not roommates anymore. ANd i have learned so much. I have learned that it sucks living with someone you don't like. I also learned that I was a bad person sometimes. Just because you don't like someone, it doesn't make things any better to be rude to them. Being rude to someone, is such a bad feeling. I sometimes get bored of the redundant polite conversations that sometimes we have as people: "hi how are you?" "Good how are you?" "Good." And especially when I don't like a person, I certainly don't want to waist my breath with small talk. Sometimes people make some off comment and probably disagree with me in some way-i figured there was no point to even have conversations with them and I would just wait out my time with them until I didn't have to deal with them anymore. Bad idea. That is the wrong perspective to have. It brings you to a habit of always blaming others and the world for why you are not as happy as you could be. I figured it was THEIR fault i didn't talk to or like them. But its mine. I did that with someone else for a bit too. I sometimes find the people around me "not good enough" to be worthy of my complete love and friendship because x y and z. There is always going to be something I could find wrong in my friends, siblings, co-workers, ward-members, etc. But that's not the point of life-the point in life is not to select the people that suite me perfectly to share my life with. WHy-because in that attitude, no one will ever be good enough because no one is perfect. I think i have been looking for a robot best friend, robot coworkers, etc. But rather, i realized, I have to just find the best in those that are around me right now and just let them please me. Everyone has something different to offer-everyone has their own quirks, mannerisms, ideas, voices, sense of humor, and its not their job to please ME, its my job to enjoy who they are. period. that's it. that is the only way to real happiness-to seek other's happiness and think what you have to offer others rather than what others have to offer you. It is probably so easy to find reasons why someone's not a perfect friend for me,but if I do that, I'll end up a bitter, rude, lonely, and a frowning person.

I also learned that its good to keep your own outlook in life a prominent and positive one and one that doesn't depend on the perspective of others around you. It is easy to be down, if your attitude depends on the ones around you. Because some people may not even show their happiness in the same way that you do. So you could be down because you think others around you are down, but they aren't. So you'd be down for no reason. You know what, find your own reasons that you're happy and stick to it. Reasons to be happy: health, gospel, entertainment, good weather, food, roof over my head, sleep, friends, family, good music, working bones and muscles, working eyes and ears...there are many. I have so much joy inside of me when I allow it in. That could be one of my specific talents that God gave me so I can spread joy to others when they are not as happy. But when I let myself become rude, deceiving, think bad thoughts, say rude things, do rude things, neglect happy things, neglect friendshiping, then I am pretty down.

Example: So there we were, at a happy event. One person had been kind of bugging me lately. Because of some negative thoughts I had which actually stemmed, now that I think about it, from jealousy. I had thought that they were just not as cool as me and the other people, but still got to feel like they were, and got to be our friends. (so rude thoughts i know). They weren't a great dancer or fun-maker, or a great fun-presence (or so were my thoughts at the time). So they started acting really happy at the event and dancing openly and stuff. And I just looked at them like they were stupid and acted embarrassed; because if they weren't going to be embarrassed for themselves, then I would be embarrassed for them. So I ended up not having as great a time as I could have. I reserved my great love and emotions because I didn't deem those around me good enough. Really though, I should have just let go and danced crazy and laughed and been silly and found the good fun in those around me. I figure there is always a good laugh I can get out of everyone. I also used to have a problem when people tell me I'm their best friend, or the coolest person, or exceptional things like that; but then I hear them tell someone else the same thing they told me and it...hurts. So i didn't want to give my gratitude and devotion unless it was truely deserved, meaning I would have to ration out my love. No no. There is more than enough lovin in me for many people. I don't need to ration out my love. Give it Give it all. I should be exhausted with love by the time I am old and wrinkly. If I save any love, I will only regret it. Because NOW is the time to give it.

Instead of judging someone for how worthy they are of my friendship, it is better to just look past their flaws and imperfections, and love them as much as my body allows me to, then let the pieces fall where they may.

July 29, 2010. THursday.

Mormon 2:
a. the nephites are driven to Shem, they fortify it, and the lamanites were coming on them again. So Mormon talks to the people- a little pep talk. and it worked. they stood up against an army of 50,000 with an army of 30,000. but the nephites were so firm that the lamanites fled from the nephites. *conviction, power, energy, inspiration, good vibes...all those things really do make a difference.

b. So yesterday waskind of a bad day for me. for some reason i was just bitter, annoyed, rude, lazy...so it was no bueno. but i am not gonna let today be like that! I'm going to exercise, even if my left knee does hurt. I am going to aim to give 20 complements, smile at people, find positive things to think about people, and use the secret. O and SEEK ofhters happiness. the best way to be happy is just make other people happy. :)

6.23.10. 3 Nephi 20

a. God commands them to never cease to pray in their hearts.
b. He tells them that they should arise and stand upon their feet. *This could be literally or metaphorically, meaning don't be weighed down by the world and stand for truth.

Today! 6.16.10.

So I am going to Cali today! I am so excited! I love trips. I hope to be able to elevate my life with this trip: eat healthy, be happy, make memories, get tan, get thin (I'm not gonna stuff myself and I will choose fruits over fats and sugars. But treats will be fine, just in moderation. Last trip I took to Cali, I got sick sick sick because I was so unhealthy.), surf, laugh, build bonds, feel the spirit, bring the spirit with hymns and praise of my wonderful friends and wonderful blessings. Its gonna be great! I need to remember to bring:
-toothbrush
-camera and charger
-shorts
-flip flops
-sunscreen
-water bottle
-scriptures
-makeup
-sunglasses glasses
-food
So, reading for today:
3 Nephi 20:
a. The Lord will gather the House of Israel on his own due time. He says that they will say, "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings unto them, that publisheth peace;" And I realize that mountains are a very religious symbol in the scriptures...you got the 10 commandments being recieved on mount sainai, Jesus goes up into the mountains to teach his discipleson Mount of Olives, he goes there to pray...etc.

GOALS for today.

So I was just looking at a Be Happy, Be Healthy blog and it motivated me to set goals.
Today here are my goals:
-Good posture. "Stomach in, chest out, shoulders back" as Dad would always say. And also, I want to do wall stands, where you make your back as strait up against a wall as you can, then try to hold that for as long as you can through the day. It makes my back feel really good. Its that idea of making the curve of my back less curve and more strait.
-Do flex holds. So I will do three 30 second flex holds on my abs while I'm sitting here at work. every turn of the hour.
-Drink 10 bottles of water. ( I have already done 1.5)
-Eat five servings of fruits and vegetables. (how much is that?...)
-Work out.
-Don't eat past 10 pm.
-Dance party?

6.11.10. 3 Nehpi 19.

a. V. 23. Can someone be in me? Christ wants to be in the people as the Father is in me. So can I have Christ in me? I think this would mean having so much love toward him and understanding him.
b. The disciples when they were praying, they "did not multiply many words" which I think I do often is multiply words in my prayer, saying the same thing. Challenge: don't use the same phrase in a prayer that you've ever used before. It was also given unto them what they should pray and they were filled with desire.

Do I have desire? What are my desires? Love, health, being with my family and friends. Having the spirit in my life. Going to the temple.

c. "Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him" *Jesus will bless me as i pray unto him with desire.

d. "and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof." 3 ne 19: 25. * I really like this verse because it makes Christ feel personal to me. When my friends or even some strangers smile at me, they do have a glow and that glow can light others up. If we mortals can do that much, I can only imagine how much Christ's countenance can brighten up others. I imagine Christ's smile being so happy and with so much love behind it. A smile says a lot. And Christ's smile would say so much.

e. Jesus separates himself again and prays to the father. He thanks Heavenly father for purifying those who he has chosen. *What is I was in the middle of a moment, like visiting mom and dad back home, and I say excuse me I must go pray to thank Heavenly Father that I have arrived safely and you guys are happy and well here. I actually think that would invite such a spirit. Praying really does invite the spirit. It prioritizes our lives at the moment, to realize what really is most important at the moment and how blessed we are as well. I love the spirit. I have been in situations and homes where it is not present and I don't like the feeling. On the contrary, in my own house I feel the spirit and it is such a great feeling. I am blessed to have a mother that is so good at bringing the spirit to a home.

f. v. 27. Jesus says to them, "Pray on." :) I think that's funny.

I am so so so thankful for my job! The Lord has blessed me beyond measure.

6.1.10. 3 Nephi 15

v. 18. "because of stiffneckedness and unbelief they understood not." There are many people who do not believe because they are already unbelieving. So, with less stiffneckedness and unbelief, would I be able to understand things I do not now understand? What are some things I don't understand right now? Marriage covenant completely.
v. 22. When Christ told the people at Jerusalem that he had other sheep not of this fold, they thought he meant the Gentiles, but Christ meant the Americas and the other tribes. The gentiles will be taught through Jerusalem's teaching. Jesus said other sheep would hear his voice, but Gentiles don't ever hear God's voice literally. I am a gentile. So that's why I have not heard God's voice literally. I must be faithful and even though flesh and blood have not revealed it unto me, the Holy Ghost does.
v.24. But the brethren at Americas saw and heard him, so they are the other sheep.

3 Nephi 16

5.28.10. Conference Talks and Marriage Dreams

Today I decided to ponder on conference talks. I read the talk, All Thins Work Together for Good, by James B. Martino. I like how he emphasizes the fact that trials can be for our benefit and learning if we deal with them well by serving others. And he starts with a story of a little boy who got sad because he didn't hit the ball even though he was so determined to, but then he cheered up and said, "what a pitcher!" Which is an example of looking on the bright side of everything. There is a silver lining of every cloud. The glass is either half full or half empty. There is a downhill to every uphill.

Gregory A. Schwitzer: Developing Good Judgment and Not Judging Others. This is a good topic because there are always such lengthy controversial conversations about this "don't judge, but judge righteously" concept. Don't apply worldly judgment to a spiritual decision. "No one can ever be a good judge without the gospel of Jesus Christ as a reference." "The standards of morality are eternal and have not changed; neither should we try to discover a new interpretation of them." Apply the For the Strength of the Youth to your adult life!
The Holy Ghost, "He will help us in the most important judgments of our lives." To me, this means marriage. Right now I am stuck on marriage, really its more of a fear than anything. I am afraid of marrying the wrong person, of not ever meeting the right person, of marrying when I am older and therefore less picky, so I naturally settle for anything male that moves. But I think in an interesting twist, I get pickier and pickier as I get older. I know I am a lot pickier than I was a few years ago because I have dated more people, seen more qualities that I do and Do NOT like. Also, I am afraid I am looking for an impossibly perfect-for-me person. I am afraid I am selfish in my desires to be married. I fear I am not prepared for the selflessness and imperfection of marriage. I have a lot of anxiety about not having a good marriage. Because in my mind, it is the most impacting factor for the rest of my life's happiness. Think about it, my job is my job, you go to work, put up with it to make money, then you come home. I could have a crappy job then come home and if my husband is everything I ever want him to be and he makes me happy, then life would be good, no matter if my house if pretty or my car is nice or my clothes are nice, or my job is great. For me, what will be the determining factor of my eternal happiness is who i marry. It's just HUGE!!! It is a HUGE decision. How can I ever just make that decision without being 100% confident that with him, I will have complete happiness and that he is all I ever wanted and will provide for me and love me so much??!!?? How do people do this marriage thing. It's crazy! For me, I won't marry unless I am crazy about the person and can't live without him. It might be for this reason that I have so many nightmare marriage dreams. I had one last night even:
So there I was, back with an ex-boyfriend somehow (i guess we had worked things out). I guess I had settled cuz I hadn't found anyone better. We were hugging a lot and looking lovingly into eachother's eyes. He was so happy! I was pretty happy. We were in some house or something and the family and friends were all around getting things set up. I think it was the day before the wedding. Heather and Mom were getting all the flower arrangements worked out and the flowers were beautiful! and the house the reception was gonna be in was beautiful and everyone was happy, doing wedding stuff and looking at me in a "o I'm so happy for you, you're in-love" look (a look I am used to from so many sibling weddings). So I remember hugging Justin in a downstairs room where right outside all the wedding commotion was going on. I remember coming out and seeing mom, catching her face smiling a big smile at me. I smiled back, but had a little bit of restraint in my joy because in the back of my mind, deep down, I really wasn't sure I was making the right decision. Mom might have noticed, but she carried on talking with heather about the flowers. I stood there, among all my family and wedding plans and wedding flowers and the wedding was already a set deal and it was tommorrow! I couldn't back down now! But in my gut I couldn't continue on no matter how terrible it would be to face the disappointment of my family members and especially my mom. She would be so upset that I had made such a mess and gone through with marrying him, but then backed out and wasted tons of money and time and emotions. I knew the consequence of backing out now would be terrifying, but the consequences of going trough with the marriage would be even worse, so I got Mom's attention again. "Mom..." I said in a tone she probably could recognize as not a good sign. She turned to me as though she knew what I was going to say only by the tone in my voice before I even said what I was going to say. Her look of "you better not cancel this wedding young lady" made me feel sick, but I said, "I'm not going to marry him," in a quiet yet sure voice filled with regret. Mom was holding flowers in her hands and they dropped heavily to her sides as her expression turned to one of great disappointment. She sighed her sigh of frustration. Heather who had overheard from behind her back, turned slightly in a wondering expression and the atmosphere turned silent and intense at the same time. While Mom was mad, she knew there was nothing she or I could do to make me want to marry him. So as much as she wanted to make me marry him, she knew she couldn't. Because if someone doesn't want to marry someone, that is just not something you can talk someone into. Mom spoke up, "What am is supposed to do with all this," as she looked around at the beautiful flower arrangements and the wedding decorations, and bridesmaids dresses laid out on the couch, and friends and family all in town. What a mess. I just stood there humbly, and mom said, "alright," with that same Mom sigh. She turned and her and heather talked and dealt with the flowers. After I had told Mom, I knew the next worse part was inevitable and I headed into the bedroom to confront the almost- groom. The door was open, and I had walked in wondering if he had heard my conversation with my mom, so he was facing the opposite way; but when I walked in he turned and by the look on his face I knew he had heard. He was so sad looking and I felt terrible. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I just came up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back, but in the way you would hug a stranger. He was mad, mom was mad, its a terrible feeling. And the thing about dreams which is weird is sometimes they feel so real. You can remember that feeling when you wake up. So in a way, I already know what that feeling is like. It sucks.
Dreams.
I have had at least two other marriage dreams that i can remember. Who knows how many I have had, but just don't remember. And this has been only within the past like two or three years, since I have become eligible for marriage and it has been relevant to my life.
One of the dreams, I married a boy from my seminary class, who is so NOT my type-he is super shy, weird, big and tall and awkward and not athletic and stiff and not fun and rude and annoying (sorry thats just my highschool years impression). And so i was in an ugly wedding dress standing in a cramped, boring ward church room with the blue floor and beige tables set out and the typical saugus second ward and saugus third ward families talking and laughing and just enjoying themselves and clearly way happier than ME on my wedding day! Everyone was so happy for Mr. Groom and I, but like, he and I were about as in love with each other as a lamp and a piece of bread...we weren't holding hands or even talking. That's basically all I remember of that dream.

Another dream was I was getting married to Kevin Sheffield, which is a joke because he and brenna dated in High school then broke up then were best friends then were together, then he went on him mission and now she is married to someone else. So kevin is just a friend from high school and not a romantic figure in my life for sure. But i was in a wedding dress and he was in a tux and we were standing in a room about to be announced as newly weds at the reception in front of everybody, we had just come from the temple and I remember the DJ was introducing us, we were standing behind doors with Kevin's Dad and my Mom and a few other wedding party members. kevin and I were standing side by side. Mom and Kevin's Dad were laughing and having a jolly time about something. But I was thinking, what have I done? I don't want to be married to Kevin (but I love ya Kev, just not like that)! O no! Now we have already been sealed in the temple, Shoot, what is the process to get a divorce after you've been sealed in the temple? I turned to Mom, and said privately to her, "Mom, I don't want to be married to Kevin." She got so so mad and said, "Serena I can't believe this." But the doors were opening and Kevin and I were pushed along to the reception site, which was disgusting. It was in some recreational building and everyone was sitting on picnic tables that were covered with cheap plastic multi-colored table cloths, there were balloons, and that's basically it for decorations. I remember thinking it looked so ugly. But we walked on down the little isle as everyone clapped for us with big smiles. Everyone was so happy for us. I remember seeing Sister Harding's face so radiant. I remember seeing Brenna and Norris;s happy faces. I remember thinking, why is everyone happy for us? This is not a happy couple. And that's all i remember of that dream.
Dreams are funny. But I wonder what these dreams mean for me. Am I doomed for an unhappy marriage? Clearly, I have anxiety about that. But, I think the dreams are getting better. Because first I was married and didn't tell anyone I was unhappy or do anything about it. Then I was unhappy and realized I needed to divorce. Then, I canceled before getting married. That's progression right? Maybe soon I'll have a dream where I am married and WANT to be and its a good happy feeling. We shall see. Only night can tell...
Dreams.

5.27.10. 3 Nephi 15

v.9. "Behold, I am the law, and the light."

5.26.10. 3 Nehpi 14.

v.11. If we are evil and know how to give good gifts, then think of how many good gifts heavenly Father can give us. And all we have to do is ask?
v.12. Do to others what you would want them to do to you--its a law "and the prophets" ( i don't understand what it means by it is the prophets). Maybe prophets do to others as they would have done to them.
v.13. "Enter ye in at the strait gate;" The easy path is wide and broad and many go that way. I think i sometimes am skipping from one path to another, because sometimes i like what the majority are doing and i want to be cool and popular rather than righteous.
v.16."Ye shall know them by their fruits."
v.18. "A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit." and if you're a tree that brings forth bad fruit, you will be cute down, cuz there is no use for you. What does it mean to bring forth good fruit? I think it means selfless service, being rich in scripture knowledge, having faith, meaningful prayer, a sincere heart, a pure heart, refraining from sin to the best of your ability.
v.23. " I never knew you; depart from me, ye that work iniquity." So how Christ "knows" us is if we bring forth good fruit and do the will of the Father. We can pray to him, cry to him, read the scriptures, but still he won't know us at the last day. You must DO the will of the Father. How do i know what the will of the father is? By living close to the spirit, which means going to the temple regularly, scripture study, obeying commandments going to church, magnifying calling, etc.
v.24. If we hear the things God commands us and DO them, we are like a wise man who builds upon a ROCK, where rain and storm cannot bring down the house. But there are many who build a house on sand (money, clothes, gossip, hatred, monetary gain, pride, self-glory, fame, etc.) and when a storm comes, BYE BYE! they will have their house washed away like toothpicks. And they will be lift homeless and saddened and all that they gloried in before will be of no worth, they cannot save them.

5.24.10. 3 Nephi 13

v. 25. Lately I have been really into THINGS, like clothes and stuff, like fashion. Which is unusual for me. I think it is because I am not busy in school and sports and I have money to buy such things. However, I am glad I did not go on the shopping spree I was planning on because I realize clothing is not important. As Christ says, "take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on." That last phrase says to me that I shouldn't be so concerned with what I put on. The fowls of the air are taken care of, so how come i wouldn't be taken care of? I think we are to self-reliant sometimes and not enough reliant on Heavenly Father. I don't have enough faith that he will sustain me.
v.30. "even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith."
v.33. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."- 3 nephi 13:33
Its interesting, if we seek first the kingdom of God, then our clothes, food, shelter, shall all be given to us. I think i tend to think the reverse way, that i must take care of food, clothing, shelter, and then seek the kingdom of God. But we should seek the kingdom of God above all else. Which means going to the temple no matter what every week, reading scriptures BEFORE breakfast, serving others before dinner, paying tithing BEFORE shopping. Because that is sacrificing and how else can we achieve the kingdom of God without sacrificing. We are to emulate Jesus Christ and he is basically in one word sacrifice. So we most definitely need to learn how to sacrifice if we are to be like him.
3 Nephi 14

Judge not that ye be not judged because you will be judged with the same judgment that you judge others with. "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" So first take car eof the mote that is in thy own eye, and once you have done that, then you have credit to help your brother with th emote that is in his eye. HOwever, i don't think we will ever have eyes to see clearly enough because there will always be a mote in our eyes because we will always be flawed. So basically NEVER consider the mote in others' eyes.
v.6. "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs." So basically, there are sometimes things you need to keep to yourself that are sacred. Don't give your kisses out like pretzels, don't bear your testimony at a dance party on the top of your lungs. Don't give the Book of Mormon to someone who will not appreciate it. Sometimes your personal revelation is not to be known to others. Or, like Joseph Smith had to do, keep the gold plates from greedy men who would use it for money.
v.7. "Ask and it shall be given unto you;" Is this really true though? Because sometimes God doesn't give us what we ask for. So ask is correlated with initiative which is correlated with being willing to do things and not being constrained. 1 Cor. 9:17 "if I do this thing willingly, I have a reward." But if we don't do things willingly we don't have a reward. I think this phrase, ask and receive, is more of a take initiative and be willing, then you will receive reward. D&C 123:17 "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power."
D&C 58:26 "he that is compelled in all things...is not a wise servant."

Which is so true. I am going to try to do things more willingly and with a cheerful spirit, as if I wan to do it above all other things. For example, when going to the temple this week, I will be cheerful about it. And doing the dishes should be done willingly, or else i have no reward. Its like means. What is your motive behind what you do? What are my motives? Why do I do what I do?