Happiness.

So. I realized somethings recently-I had been really rude to my roommate. She is not an easy to like girl for me. And so, it requires so much effort to make positive connections with her. But we are not roommates anymore. ANd i have learned so much. I have learned that it sucks living with someone you don't like. I also learned that I was a bad person sometimes. Just because you don't like someone, it doesn't make things any better to be rude to them. Being rude to someone, is such a bad feeling. I sometimes get bored of the redundant polite conversations that sometimes we have as people: "hi how are you?" "Good how are you?" "Good." And especially when I don't like a person, I certainly don't want to waist my breath with small talk. Sometimes people make some off comment and probably disagree with me in some way-i figured there was no point to even have conversations with them and I would just wait out my time with them until I didn't have to deal with them anymore. Bad idea. That is the wrong perspective to have. It brings you to a habit of always blaming others and the world for why you are not as happy as you could be. I figured it was THEIR fault i didn't talk to or like them. But its mine. I did that with someone else for a bit too. I sometimes find the people around me "not good enough" to be worthy of my complete love and friendship because x y and z. There is always going to be something I could find wrong in my friends, siblings, co-workers, ward-members, etc. But that's not the point of life-the point in life is not to select the people that suite me perfectly to share my life with. WHy-because in that attitude, no one will ever be good enough because no one is perfect. I think i have been looking for a robot best friend, robot coworkers, etc. But rather, i realized, I have to just find the best in those that are around me right now and just let them please me. Everyone has something different to offer-everyone has their own quirks, mannerisms, ideas, voices, sense of humor, and its not their job to please ME, its my job to enjoy who they are. period. that's it. that is the only way to real happiness-to seek other's happiness and think what you have to offer others rather than what others have to offer you. It is probably so easy to find reasons why someone's not a perfect friend for me,but if I do that, I'll end up a bitter, rude, lonely, and a frowning person.

I also learned that its good to keep your own outlook in life a prominent and positive one and one that doesn't depend on the perspective of others around you. It is easy to be down, if your attitude depends on the ones around you. Because some people may not even show their happiness in the same way that you do. So you could be down because you think others around you are down, but they aren't. So you'd be down for no reason. You know what, find your own reasons that you're happy and stick to it. Reasons to be happy: health, gospel, entertainment, good weather, food, roof over my head, sleep, friends, family, good music, working bones and muscles, working eyes and ears...there are many. I have so much joy inside of me when I allow it in. That could be one of my specific talents that God gave me so I can spread joy to others when they are not as happy. But when I let myself become rude, deceiving, think bad thoughts, say rude things, do rude things, neglect happy things, neglect friendshiping, then I am pretty down.

Example: So there we were, at a happy event. One person had been kind of bugging me lately. Because of some negative thoughts I had which actually stemmed, now that I think about it, from jealousy. I had thought that they were just not as cool as me and the other people, but still got to feel like they were, and got to be our friends. (so rude thoughts i know). They weren't a great dancer or fun-maker, or a great fun-presence (or so were my thoughts at the time). So they started acting really happy at the event and dancing openly and stuff. And I just looked at them like they were stupid and acted embarrassed; because if they weren't going to be embarrassed for themselves, then I would be embarrassed for them. So I ended up not having as great a time as I could have. I reserved my great love and emotions because I didn't deem those around me good enough. Really though, I should have just let go and danced crazy and laughed and been silly and found the good fun in those around me. I figure there is always a good laugh I can get out of everyone. I also used to have a problem when people tell me I'm their best friend, or the coolest person, or exceptional things like that; but then I hear them tell someone else the same thing they told me and it...hurts. So i didn't want to give my gratitude and devotion unless it was truely deserved, meaning I would have to ration out my love. No no. There is more than enough lovin in me for many people. I don't need to ration out my love. Give it Give it all. I should be exhausted with love by the time I am old and wrinkly. If I save any love, I will only regret it. Because NOW is the time to give it.

Instead of judging someone for how worthy they are of my friendship, it is better to just look past their flaws and imperfections, and love them as much as my body allows me to, then let the pieces fall where they may.