My Love Metaphore

I made this post a while ago-actually it was probably one year ago give and take a few weeks. But my blog that i posted it on got destroyed and doesn't exist anymore. Then I realized i lost that post and I hadn't written the thoughts in my journal as thourough. So i am going to write the post again. The post was about love, romance, dating...I had an epiphany one day driving in my car. That car's CD player did not work, so my only mode of music was the radio. So, as i started out my drive to work or wherever I was going (which was usually at least a 20 minute drive, as is in Texas) I would turn on the radio and see what was playing on the radio. Sometimes what was playing was just ok-not my favorite or anything, but better than not listening to anything, so i'd keep it just because. And sometimes I would flip and flip and flip through the channels just to see what else was out there before I settled for the one I was gonna listen to which was ok but not the best. Then sometimes there would be absolutely nothing that satisfied me on the radio, so I would turn it off and just hum my own tune or just listen to the wind in my hair. But then there were those happy, sporadic moments when I would turn on the radio and hear my favorite song playing and I knew that this was the only song in the whole world that I wanted to be listening to and I wouldn't even check to see what else was playing, because THIS was it-this was my song. I related this to how my dating life is. Sometimes I am dating a guy just because I don't want to be alone but he is not the best, and then there are times when I would rather just not be dating anyone because I'd rather just be by myself doing my own thing. Then there are times when I might find a guy that is good, but I still feel the need to flip through the other channels of the dating scene to see if there was anything better. But someday-someday! I will stumble upon that one song that beats with my heart, or that one man who is in sync with me, who when I stumble upon him, I will not want to look anywhere else to see if there is anyone better out there, because I'll know there's just not. There's nothing better out there when Mr. Right is right here, in my arms. And I'll know he's Mr. Right when I know I don't want to look anywhere else because he is my ultimate favorite. Don't settle for mac and cheese when lasagna is in the oven!

Decisions. 8.4.10.

So, i just wanted to write this down to remember it- when i have made decisions in the past and particularly in the most recent significant decision I made, I WILL recieve an assured feeling within me that it is right, whatever i've decided. And if its not right I will either feel like its not right (which is an easy to decipher feeling) or I will not feel good but not feel bad at the same time. When I was trying to discover if going on a mission was the best thing for me, I was reasoning, weighing all the options, thinking of what is most righteous, what my parents want, but mostly what heavenly father wants. I prayed hard ad long about it to know. After I had decided to go on a mission (after reasoning that that was what I should do), I didn't get any real affirmation from heavenly father within me that felt like it was truely and completely right. But I didn't have a distinct feeling that it was wrong. So, I think for me, apathy is the same as wrong when it comes to feeling certain ways about decisions in life. When I decided to not move to Texas with the fam and stay in California to graduate, it just felt right and I knew it was. And it for sure WAS. When I came to BYU, I for sure felt like this was the right place for me to be. But when i started planning on a mission, I never got that feeling, even after a long time of trying to earn that assurance. So, a little while after I had decided to go on a mission, I was looking at some honeymoon/vacation spot videos. And for some reason, my heart has always been with the tropics. When I was a little girl, I listened to tropical music, wore tropical clothes, decorated my room tropically, cut out pictures from magazines of tropical places, drew tropical/jungley pictures, and memorized ancient Hawaiian marriage poems (which i still remember). So as I was watching these videos, for some reason that just felt like home, and was reminded of my dreams-what i want out of life. The night before I had had a conversation with Melody and she said some things that I think i really needed to hear. She said marriage is great and it will happen when it happens, but don't put your life on hold for a guy-do things you want to do and have your own goals and dreams to accomplish for yourself. That hit home, I remembered I could do whatever I wanted to. I didn't have to do what was popular and what "made sense" to the rest of the world. To me, interestingly, going on a mission was more of a something that "made sense" than somethings I had aspired to do. I never had that burning desire to go on a mission like some girls do. My roommate Annalee has always wanted to go on a mission and when we were roommates our sophomore year she was so passionate about it and I remember talking to her about it sometimes and she would as me if I wanted to go on a mission and I would shrug my shoulders and say, "hu not really." At that point in life, I figured I'd probably be married, so I wouldn't even be given the choice to. But then when I became 21 I realized i could go on a mission and people would say, o you should! so i sort of worked toward that and entertained that idea for a while, but most of it was because i "had nothing else to do". One of my friends asked me this when i told him I'm going on a mission, he asked me, do you want to go because you really want to or just because you don't have any other obligations (or somethings like that). And i felt guilty after he asked me that because I didn't actually have that burning desire to. Now, of course I wanted to cuz that would be an awesome experience and I still think it would, But for me specifically, given who I am and the goals I have had in my life, i didn't have a burning desire to. SO, anyway, I realized while watching those videos, that I should follow my dreams and get a solid, awesome job that makes a lot of money for the amount of time I work, and one that is secure and challenging and interesting and uses my smarts and talents. And i just suddenly and randomly (but not randomly because i believe it was the spirit putting it in my mind) realized I wanted to be a nurse. So that second I went strait to google accelerated nursing programs that I could apply for and for the rest of the day, researched what I would need to do to apply. I was suddenly so motivated and passionate about something, which hasn't happened to me in a while. I am still in the process of applying to different programs. I am also considering physical therapy programs too, but those I'd need a lot more preparation to be able to be accepted. I could more likely get my nursing degree then apply to physical therapy schools, but the details like that are uncertain. All i know is that i am meant to go on with my education, which my patriarcle blessing has always said, and I have always wondered what that meant for me, and its always been in the back of my mind but I have not been filled with the passion for any specific education after college...until now. I am so glad for personal revelation, because it happens in my life. Especially for life-changing decisions, like this one. But it also happens just day to day, maybe in moments I don't even realize. And its true that my siblings words will always be good for me. always :) I am thankful my heavenly father knows me and takes care of me the way i need to be. Its great.

So now I'm just working on my future-what I want. I want to live my life and love my family and friends and make new experiences. I want to travel, I want to go to hawaii, tahiti, bahamas, a cruise. I want to make a good living. If I am being lazy and not earning as much as I could, then I am less able to serve the world. I remember when I got a job last semester I realized that I was not as able to serve when I didn't have a job, because the unemployed me needed to receive more than she could give. And she couldn't give, because she didn't have much to give-no money equals no tithing, no gas money help, no gifts to give or food to give or things to give, because I was mooching off of what others gave me. I was taking more than I was giving. It truly is important to be self-reliant economically just as much as it is to be spiritually and emotionally self-reliant. So one of my goals is to be economically self-reliant to where I can have the things that I will need, and to also be able to GIVE. Having a job now, I can see how I am a different person-I'm less of a moocher (nobody likes when people mooch off of them), and I am just more independent and confident in economical situations. It will be difficult in the future though again, because i will not be working for the next two semesters and then I will be doing school again which quickly sucks up the money, but for every dollar i put into education i figure I'm multiplying it by 10. And then I'll eventually have a stable career and not have to worry too much about money. Education is the best investment. I just feel so good to have a plan and know where I'm going in life. I am my own person, growing and learning and trying to become a better person every day. And I am excited about the future.

Happiness.

So. I realized somethings recently-I had been really rude to my roommate. She is not an easy to like girl for me. And so, it requires so much effort to make positive connections with her. But we are not roommates anymore. ANd i have learned so much. I have learned that it sucks living with someone you don't like. I also learned that I was a bad person sometimes. Just because you don't like someone, it doesn't make things any better to be rude to them. Being rude to someone, is such a bad feeling. I sometimes get bored of the redundant polite conversations that sometimes we have as people: "hi how are you?" "Good how are you?" "Good." And especially when I don't like a person, I certainly don't want to waist my breath with small talk. Sometimes people make some off comment and probably disagree with me in some way-i figured there was no point to even have conversations with them and I would just wait out my time with them until I didn't have to deal with them anymore. Bad idea. That is the wrong perspective to have. It brings you to a habit of always blaming others and the world for why you are not as happy as you could be. I figured it was THEIR fault i didn't talk to or like them. But its mine. I did that with someone else for a bit too. I sometimes find the people around me "not good enough" to be worthy of my complete love and friendship because x y and z. There is always going to be something I could find wrong in my friends, siblings, co-workers, ward-members, etc. But that's not the point of life-the point in life is not to select the people that suite me perfectly to share my life with. WHy-because in that attitude, no one will ever be good enough because no one is perfect. I think i have been looking for a robot best friend, robot coworkers, etc. But rather, i realized, I have to just find the best in those that are around me right now and just let them please me. Everyone has something different to offer-everyone has their own quirks, mannerisms, ideas, voices, sense of humor, and its not their job to please ME, its my job to enjoy who they are. period. that's it. that is the only way to real happiness-to seek other's happiness and think what you have to offer others rather than what others have to offer you. It is probably so easy to find reasons why someone's not a perfect friend for me,but if I do that, I'll end up a bitter, rude, lonely, and a frowning person.

I also learned that its good to keep your own outlook in life a prominent and positive one and one that doesn't depend on the perspective of others around you. It is easy to be down, if your attitude depends on the ones around you. Because some people may not even show their happiness in the same way that you do. So you could be down because you think others around you are down, but they aren't. So you'd be down for no reason. You know what, find your own reasons that you're happy and stick to it. Reasons to be happy: health, gospel, entertainment, good weather, food, roof over my head, sleep, friends, family, good music, working bones and muscles, working eyes and ears...there are many. I have so much joy inside of me when I allow it in. That could be one of my specific talents that God gave me so I can spread joy to others when they are not as happy. But when I let myself become rude, deceiving, think bad thoughts, say rude things, do rude things, neglect happy things, neglect friendshiping, then I am pretty down.

Example: So there we were, at a happy event. One person had been kind of bugging me lately. Because of some negative thoughts I had which actually stemmed, now that I think about it, from jealousy. I had thought that they were just not as cool as me and the other people, but still got to feel like they were, and got to be our friends. (so rude thoughts i know). They weren't a great dancer or fun-maker, or a great fun-presence (or so were my thoughts at the time). So they started acting really happy at the event and dancing openly and stuff. And I just looked at them like they were stupid and acted embarrassed; because if they weren't going to be embarrassed for themselves, then I would be embarrassed for them. So I ended up not having as great a time as I could have. I reserved my great love and emotions because I didn't deem those around me good enough. Really though, I should have just let go and danced crazy and laughed and been silly and found the good fun in those around me. I figure there is always a good laugh I can get out of everyone. I also used to have a problem when people tell me I'm their best friend, or the coolest person, or exceptional things like that; but then I hear them tell someone else the same thing they told me and it...hurts. So i didn't want to give my gratitude and devotion unless it was truely deserved, meaning I would have to ration out my love. No no. There is more than enough lovin in me for many people. I don't need to ration out my love. Give it Give it all. I should be exhausted with love by the time I am old and wrinkly. If I save any love, I will only regret it. Because NOW is the time to give it.

Instead of judging someone for how worthy they are of my friendship, it is better to just look past their flaws and imperfections, and love them as much as my body allows me to, then let the pieces fall where they may.